Putting children first when two adults separate is something that comes naturally, doesn’t it?
Well, we can try, but there’s nothing we can do about the other person.

We plan to do the right thing and stay calm in front of the children because we know that it’s the right thing to do, but then find that we end up in the same old argument that feels oh-so-familiar because the other person knows exactly what buttons to push, and deliberately winds us up.

Afterwards, we go over it time and time again in our heads, and it just feels so predictable and inevitable; there’s nothing we can do that will make a difference, so why should we even bother to try?

The negative impact of unresolved conflict on children can affect them in school and at home. Parents often think that their children aren’t affected and are fine, but scratch below the surface, and you will often find that children feel torn and stuck in the middle.

They can respond in different ways; some children will want to please and say different things to each parent, or their behaviour might change at home or at school. They might even think that the conflict is their fault.

It’s important not to think that you have to be the perfect parent every time and feel guilty if you get it wrong sometimes. The important thing is to learn from your mistakes and aim to be a “good enough” parent. By focusing on progress rather than perfection, and by openly addressing post divorce emotions, you show your children that setbacks can be managed with resilience.

How emotions affect reactions

When you think about meeting your ex-partner (at handover time, for example) does your heart start to race? You might also feel clammy, and your stomach can lurch, making you feel physically sick. You might start to feel overwhelmed with despair, dread or anger.

What’s happening is that your emotions are getting in the way and are clouding your thinking. Did you know that when we get stressed the part of the brain that does our rational thinking shuts down, the primitive part kicks in, and we go into “flight, fight or freeze”?

One way of bringing your rational brain back on-line is to slow down your breathing. It might sound strange, but your heart is racing so that you have more energy to run away or fight. However, if you breathe in and out slowly, your heart rate slows down, and you trick your body into thinking that the stress has gone. Your rational brain is then able to process the information in a calmer way.

This physical and emotional cycle is a common part of post divorce emotions, and learning to interrupt it is essential for healthier communication.

There are lots of things that you can do to manage your emotions. Knowing your trigger points and changing what you do before you get too emotional is the first step.

Key points to remember

• Manage your emotions so that you stay calm – remember to breathe!
• Keep the big picture in mind – that big picture is about putting your children first and not letting them witness adult conflict.
• Think before you speak – is what you want to say going to make the situation better or worse?
• Don’t send a text or email directly after writing it; always step away from the keyboard, give yourself time to reflect and calm down, then re-read it and amend it before sending.
• When you re-read it, imagine how the other person will interpret it – keep it simple and avoid point-scoring.
• Although it can often feel as though you have no power to change the situation, making some small changes in what you do can make a big difference.
• You can waste a lot of emotional energy on trying to change the other person, so focus on what you can do and not what the other person should do.
• Learn from your mistakes; don’t expect to get it right every time.
• Spend time looking after yourself – if you burn out, you won’t be able to give your best to your child or children.
• If communication is difficult, consider using a mediator. Professional mediation is a valuable tool for conflict resolution after divorce, giving parents a neutral space to find agreements that keep the focus on the children.

How TV Edwards can help you move forward

Conflict resolution after divorce requires patience, empathy, and a willingness to put children’s needs before personal grievances. By recognising and working through post divorce emotions, parents can create a calmer environment where children feel secure and protected.

If you have things that you need to discuss and want to use mediation to help you, email us at mediation@tvedwards.com or 020 3440 8000, and make an appointment to see one of our trained and qualified family mediators.